How to smoke a joint without smell
Growing up, my mother was (and still is) a big stoner, so I’ve never been concerned with getting caught green-handed at home. However, throughout the years I’ve exercised discretion while getting high in hotels and dorms, at the Waffle House, during concerts, in the middle of the disco, at the company holiday party, in the basement of my friend’s house paranoid on acid, in the stairwell of a music studio in midtown Manhattan, in the hot tub of the Ritz-Carlton at 2 a.m. before being escorted out by security…I could go on for days. Needless to say, learning to be a stealthy stoner is a bright idea. Pay attention while I dish you some tips.
Anticipate Your Needs
When toking on the down low, you want easy access to everything you could possibly need. I recommend putting together a stash bag, like one from the AnnaBís collection, full of essentials: breath mints, gum, eye drops, fragrance oil, miniature air freshener, moist toilettes, lighter, matches, poker or paper clip, pipe cleaners, one-hitter, cannabis, etc.
Choose a Method
Whatever you do, don’t smoke a blunt or a joint because the smoke is uncontrollable and you will get busted. Instead, use a bowl with a lid like the Proto Pipe or a one-hitter. Or skip combustion all together and vaporize your cannabis. CO2 vape oil pens and portable dry leaf vaporizers like the PAX 2 are super discreet, extremely convenient and easy to hide. Plus, the vapors emitted are much tamer and the odor is subtle. Just be sure to keep your bud in an air-tight jar. It’ll give off more aroma than your plumes of vapor.
Related: Stoner Buddy Movies
Banish the Smell
The sweet and pungent aroma of cheeba is easily recognizable. You’ll want to mask or eliminate the odor the best you can. First, close all vents and block the draft under your door. You can use a towel for the door, but I prefer a draft stopper because it looks less sketchy. Consider investing in an air purifier. They’re spendy, but well worth the investment. Scented candles, incense, and air sanitizers are helpful, too. In college, I perfected the art of smoking through a spoof and never got caught. Make your own by taking an empty toilet paper or paper towel roll and taping a folded drier sheet on one end. Simply, exhale into the open end for fresh-laundry-scented smoke. Or, you can buy one of these handy personal smoke filters: Smoke Buddy, Sploofy or Snubbz. Also, next time you’re in a head shop, look for a tiny spoof disguised as chapstick. It makes a handy addition to your stash bag.
Eliminate the Smoke
Open a window and place a box fan facing outside in the sill. Turn it on high. After you take a hit, cover the top of your bowl or one hitter. Then, exhale slowly into the back of the fan. If you have another fan in the room, allow it to oscillate.
Hide the Noise
You may cough or get a case of the giggles. Not to mention, the click of your lighter may tip someone off. Do yourself a favor and play some background music. Electric fans will help create ambient noise as well. You could turn on the TV, but it’s generally a buzzkill. If you’re in the bathroom, run the shower or faucet. Keep a pillow or hoodie close by to muffle uncontrollable fits of laughter and the like.
Survey the Scene
Is the smoke alarm disarmed? Are the doors locked? Are the vents closed? Is the window open? Is the draft under the door blocked? Is the air purifier turned on? Is music playing? Is your 420-fearing roommate around? Are your parents home? Are your kids home? Where’s your stash bag? Before your judgement gets a little hazy, take note of your surroundings, make sure you have everything you need, and take any last minute precautions to avoid unexpected encounters.
Devise an Emergency Backup Plan
Accidents happen. Maybe, after a few drinks, you think it’s a good idea to hot box the apartment. Perhaps, you’re smoking up with inexperienced tokers and someone knocks over the bong, allowing the stench and smoke to escape. You may forget to towel the door. One of your friends may start squealing like a pig. Stay cool, spray air sanitizer, open a window, hide your stash, and take a walk. What happens if a neurotic roommate or asshole neighbor stops by to complain? Apologize and send them on their way. What happens if the police come knocking at your door? Stay cool and know your 4th Amendment rights.
Stealthy Stoner Bonus Tips:
- Smoke up in the bathroom. It’s the one place you can get away with spending extended periods of time without someone barging in.
- Cover your fire alarm with a plastic shower cap to keep it from going off while you’re blazing.
- Keep an empty beer bottle around. If someone calls you out for acting silly, blame it on the malty beverage.
- Explore the discrete world of medicated edibles, tinctures, and patches. No smell, no smoke, no problems.
How to get lit without getting caught.
How to Smoke Weed Without the Smell
The question I get asked again and again, more than any other question, is some form of “how does your house not smell like cannabis??” From the house itself to my children’s school items, people want to know how I keep from stanking up everything.
When I was a newbie stoner I was semi-paranoid about the smell. I would often smoke weed in the car with the BFF, and when it was time to pull ourselves out of a hot-boxed car, we would spray ourselves with Victoria Secret Body Spray. (Which incidentally is the same trick I used in high school to hide my secret weed habit). BFF and I even have a patented technique for de-stinking ourselves before a dinner out. Spritz some hardcore fragrance on the car air vents and then blast the AC. Instant refreshment for the closeted stoner mom.
I have never been a person who a. wears any fragrance, or b. emits any extraordinary odors. After a few years of this whole being-a-stoner-thing, I have realized that my actual ‘person’, never smells. My stoner ways have matured into a more sophisticated set of rituals, respecting my health, home and beauty while still allowing me to medicate for my mental health.
Because of my YouTube videos, there is a common misconception that I constantly exhale weed into my house. The reality is, I shoot videos when my children are gone for the entire weekend, or when they are gone for the entire day at school.
I plan to film my videos around my children, which is why there are times when I don’t upload. It’s because I won’t film when my kids are around, and sometimes things happen and they are around more than usual. So yeah, this idea that I am constantly smoking around the kids or house is really just dumb.
When kids are home, I never, ever, just blow smoke casually around the house. Stoner Mom fans have seen my trick of toking up in the kitchen and then exhaling out the back door while letting my insane dog in and out, all day long, as the stay-at-home-mom is wont to do. I only do this when the children are occupied in other parts of the home, and when there is little chance of them interrupting me. If my husband’s kids are home and he’s busy with them on other floors, I’ll sequester myself in my bedroom for my smoke sessions.
Keeping yourself and your home cannabis smoke-free is really just about common sense. Marijuana smoke isn’t some toxic substance that will coat your walls with yellow stains. It’s not tobacco for goodness sakes. Normal grooming and maintenance of the home should keep it smelling just fine. I wouldn’t advise lighting up right before company comes, but for most purposes, there is really no reason to avoid smoking marijuana in the home.
How to Smoke Weed Without the Smell
Here are five ways to keep your house and body stank free:
- Go outside
I believe that my magical house would be a lot less magical if I made it a point to smoke weed and exhale in it several times a day. The safest way to keep your house stank free is to just step outside. Use the garage, a car park, the backyard, just let the smoke out elsewhere. My house is set up so that stepping outside and staying right by the door is super easy. Under extraordinary circumstances? Stand on the toilet and blow smoke out the window. Step into the garage to exhale, or keep the bong in the laundry room with the window open. No one hangs out in the laundry room.An often forgotten reason to blaze up outside, is that it’s just nicer! Weed was made for nature lovers. Give yourself five minutes of fresh air and fresh cannabis and watch your day dramatically improve.
- Air purifiers
You can find affordable air purifiers at Wal-Mart, Target, Amazon, everywhere. They are cheap, easy to use, and they work. It’s one of those products where you can either spend a small amount or a buttload and still get an effective way to keep the air in your house clean and stank-free. Bonus points for houses with animals and kids with allergies. Air purifiers are a must for these families. Keep one in your main smoking area and more in the kids rooms. Smell proof house, with air constantly cycling through a filter. Done. This is the one I use, and it’s excellent. There are tons of options on the market, so try to opt for a mid cost one and invest in more than one unit.
The Sploofy is an amazing air filter made specifically for the purpose of discreet smoking! Small, discreet, and most importantly, it works! Simply exhale your smoke into the base of the Sploofy and watch all signs of your cannabis use disappear.
Get a Sploofy for yourself with my affiliate link: Sploofy!
4. Windows and ceiling fans
Just another method of going outside. Keep the air in your house constantly moving to get that cannabis smell out! Open windows, smoke near them, turn on ceiling fans, run swiftly around the circumference of the house, flapping your arms wildly. Fan that shit out!
5. Air freshening products
The store is full of many a choice for air fresheners. My personal favorites are the old school kinds made for dank basements. Citrus Magic is my favorite, as these little discs have their deodorizing skills on lockdown.
It is always preferred to remove stank rather than cover it up, so look for deodorizing products rather than perfuming products that just sit on top of the stank. Lysol is a classic deodorizer and it will make your house smell as clean as an insane asylum.
If you are looking for a natural room deodorizer, look no further than baking soda. Available in big bags for a couple of dollars, baking soda is the oldest form of de-stanking. Those orange boxes in the fridge are meant just for that purpose!
Sprinkle baking soda liberally on vacuumable surfaces where cannabis smoking takes places and vacuum up a few hours later. Also, consider keeping a pretty dish filled with baking soda in your stoner room.
“What about the kids backpacks and jackets? Do they smell like weed?”
No! To accomplish this I believe I would have to literally smoke weed in an enclosed space, baking in the sun, and exhaling directly onto the children’s items. It just. Doesn’t. Happen.
If you share a very small enclosed space with your kids and their belongings, then yeah, don’t smoke weed in it. Kids stuff smells despite what you do to mitigate the smell? Throw a deodorizer in there. Unless you are storing your weed in your kid’s backpack, I see no reason why it should ever smell like anything other than uneaten tuna sandwiches.
“What about vaping? Why don’t you vape more when the kids are home?”
Again, there seems to be a misconception that my entire life is documented on YouTube. And it’s not. My videos are a tiny sample of my day-to-day life, so there is really no reason to assume that I don’t often vape.
Vaping is my number one recommended method for keeping a stank-free house. A healthier alternative overall, and odor free, it’s the type of thing you can do without having to worry about the kids at all. When vaping cannabis, the only thing exhaled is vapor, which is almost scent free, and does not have that distinctive “weed” smell.
As always I hope these tips help shed some light on some major misconceptions about stoner life. There is literally zero reason a stoner’s house needs to smell like anything, so, no more excuses people. Just chill out and smoke your damn herb and stop pretending it’s the most significant and important thing to ever happen in the house. It ain’t.
As a mom to four kids under 10, The Stoner Mom knows something about keeping house. Today she explains how to smoke weed without the smell.